“Sarcastic Socialization Tips(tm)”
Michael McGeachie (Mike McGeachie)
1976- American

1. The Tag-Along

Everyone knows that one-on-one dates are stressful, awkward, and socially difficult situations. Don't let your friends fall prey to these maladies! Save them the embarrassment! Sometimes, your friend won't realize that he or she is in for trouble, so you'll have to slyly invite yourself:

You: "I got nothing. What are you doing tonight?"
Friend: "I'm going out with Mr./Miss X."
You: "Really?! You two were getting along well at the party last week. Where are you going?"
Friend: "Oleana. For dinner."
You: "Really? That's such a coincidence! I've always wanted to try that place. I'll meet you there."

2. Polite Queuing

If you're arriving late on the scene, chances are your brethren-in-arms have already figured out who are the nicest people to talk to. So they'll probably all be forming a half circle around him or her. But one person can only reasonably entertain four or five people at a time, so what are you, the sixth or seventh suitor, supposed to do? Luckily, it's ok to wait in line in these situations, and you'll get your turn eventually.

You: "Pardon me, are you in line?"
Speaker #6: "Yeah, I might be next, someone just excused himself/herself to get another drink."
You: "Excellent! Fast turn-over tonight. I think I'll mentally prepare a Fictitious Ex story for when my turn arrives!"

3. Fictitious Ex

If you find yourself talking with someone who doesn't seem very interested, it's probably because they're misvaluing you along the conventional lines of money/status/looks/wit. A clever way to hint at your relationship potential is to mention your Ex, and how much cooler/richer/smarter/hotter they are than normal people. This implies that if someone as elegant/studly/dangerous/brilliant as your Ex dated you, the person you're talking with now should be thankful you deign to give them the time of day.

Speaker #1: "Yeah. I need to get up early. I have to go."
You: "You know, that's really funny cause my Ex the [Calvin Klein underwear model / heroic fireman / Harvard neuroscience post-doc] was also an early riser."
Speaker #1: "Oh really? Tell me more!"

This kind of lie is much easier to get away with than lies about your own wealth/job/knowledge/physique.

4. Overhear Maneuver

Any conversation can be about you, even if you're not taking part until the end. Suppose you walk past people talking, and you hear this:

Speaker #1, to Speaker #2: "My sister is ill. The doctors say they don't know what she has. My family is distraught."
You: "Did I just hear you say 'My Sister'? Cause, that's such a coincidence! I think chicks are _hot_!"

Make sure to allude to "hot chicks" rather than the more subtle "attractive women" here. Remember: Subtlety is for the French; Audacity is for the American!

5. The Dumb-Down

This trick can be used when the conversation turns toward something you don't understand. Use the Dumb-Down to bring it back to where everyone can participate. Nobody likes exclusive conversations, and recognizing this will demonstrate that you have _everyone's_ interest in mind.

Speaker #1: "The whole Derridean enterprise is esoteric rhetoric for the ivory-tower demagogue."
You: "Enterprise? What does that mean? Is that even a word? Oh, wait, are you talking about Star Trek? Cause that show was neat! Now I remember, the Enterprise was the ship. Were the Derrideans the fish-looking people?"

Combine this tactic with the Overhear Maneuver for extra style points.