“The Weakling”
Robert E. Howard
1906-1936 American

I died in sin and forthwith went to Hell;
I made myself at home upon the coals
Where seas of flame break on the cinder shoals.
Till Satan came and said with angry yell,
“You there – divulge what route by which you fell.”
“I spent my youth among the flowing bowls,
Wasted my life with women of dark souls,
Died brothel-fighting – drunk on muscatel.”

Said he, “My friend, you’ve been directed wrong:
You’ve naught to recommend you for our feasts –
Like factory owners, brokers, elders, priests;
The air for you! This place is for the strong!”
Then as I pondered, minded to rebel,
He laughed and forthwith kicked me out of Hell.

Winning Entries of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

The countdown had stalled at T minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably--the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career.
—Martha Simpson, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

Professor Frobisher couldn't believe he had missed seeing it for so long--it was, after all, right there under his nose--but in all his years of research into the intricate and mysterious ways of the universe, he had never noticed that the freckles on his upper lip, just below and to the left of the nostril, partially hidden until now by a hairy mole he had just removed a week before, exactly matched the pattern of the stars in the Pleides, down to the angry red zit that had just popped up where he and his colleagues had only today discovered an exploding nova.
—Ray C. Gainey, 1989 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

Sultry it was and humid, but no whisper of air caused the plump, laden spears of golden grain to nod their burdened heads as they unheedingly awaited the cyclic rape of their gleaming treasure, while overhead the burning orb of luminescence ascended its ever-upward path toward a sweltering celestial apex, for although it is not in Kansas that our story takes place, it looks godawful like it.
—Judy Frazier, 1991 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

The moment he laid eyes on the lifeless body of the nude socialite sprawled across the bathroom floor, Detective Leary knew she had committed suicide by grasping the cap on the tamper-proof bottle, pushing down and twisting while she kept her thumb firmly pressed against the spot the arrow pointed to, until she hit the exact spot where the tab clicks into place, allowing her to remove the cap and swallow the entire contents of the bottle, thus ending her life.
—Artie Kalemeris, 1997 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual.
—Dan McKay, 2005 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.
—Jim Guigli, 2006 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

Gerald began--but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash--to pee.
—Jim Gleeson, 2007 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

“Sarcastic Socialization Tips(tm)”
Michael McGeachie (Mike McGeachie)
1976- American

1. The Tag-Along

Everyone knows that one-on-one dates are stressful, awkward, and socially difficult situations. Don't let your friends fall prey to these maladies! Save them the embarrassment! Sometimes, your friend won't realize that he or she is in for trouble, so you'll have to slyly invite yourself:

You: "I got nothing. What are you doing tonight?"
Friend: "I'm going out with Mr./Miss X."
You: "Really?! You two were getting along well at the party last week. Where are you going?"
Friend: "Oleana. For dinner."
You: "Really? That's such a coincidence! I've always wanted to try that place. I'll meet you there."

2. Polite Queuing

If you're arriving late on the scene, chances are your brethren-in-arms have already figured out who are the nicest people to talk to. So they'll probably all be forming a half circle around him or her. But one person can only reasonably entertain four or five people at a time, so what are you, the sixth or seventh suitor, supposed to do? Luckily, it's ok to wait in line in these situations, and you'll get your turn eventually.

You: "Pardon me, are you in line?"
Speaker #6: "Yeah, I might be next, someone just excused himself/herself to get another drink."
You: "Excellent! Fast turn-over tonight. I think I'll mentally prepare a Fictitious Ex story for when my turn arrives!"

3. Fictitious Ex

If you find yourself talking with someone who doesn't seem very interested, it's probably because they're misvaluing you along the conventional lines of money/status/looks/wit. A clever way to hint at your relationship potential is to mention your Ex, and how much cooler/richer/smarter/hotter they are than normal people. This implies that if someone as elegant/studly/dangerous/brilliant as your Ex dated you, the person you're talking with now should be thankful you deign to give them the time of day.

Speaker #1: "Yeah. I need to get up early. I have to go."
You: "You know, that's really funny cause my Ex the [Calvin Klein underwear model / heroic fireman / Harvard neuroscience post-doc] was also an early riser."
Speaker #1: "Oh really? Tell me more!"

This kind of lie is much easier to get away with than lies about your own wealth/job/knowledge/physique.

4. Overhear Maneuver

Any conversation can be about you, even if you're not taking part until the end. Suppose you walk past people talking, and you hear this:

Speaker #1, to Speaker #2: "My sister is ill. The doctors say they don't know what she has. My family is distraught."
You: "Did I just hear you say 'My Sister'? Cause, that's such a coincidence! I think chicks are _hot_!"

Make sure to allude to "hot chicks" rather than the more subtle "attractive women" here. Remember: Subtlety is for the French; Audacity is for the American!

5. The Dumb-Down

This trick can be used when the conversation turns toward something you don't understand. Use the Dumb-Down to bring it back to where everyone can participate. Nobody likes exclusive conversations, and recognizing this will demonstrate that you have _everyone's_ interest in mind.

Speaker #1: "The whole Derridean enterprise is esoteric rhetoric for the ivory-tower demagogue."
You: "Enterprise? What does that mean? Is that even a word? Oh, wait, are you talking about Star Trek? Cause that show was neat! Now I remember, the Enterprise was the ship. Were the Derrideans the fish-looking people?"

Combine this tactic with the Overhear Maneuver for extra style points.

“Mother-in-Law”
Adrienne Rich
1929- American

Tell me something
you say
Not: What are you working on now, is there anyone special,
how is the job
do you mind coming back to an empty house
what do you do on Sundays
Tell me something...
Some secret
we both know and have never spoken?
Some sentence that could flood with light
your life, mine?
Tell me what daughters tell their mothers
everywhere in the world, and I and only I
even have to ask....
Tell me something.
Lately, I hear it: Tell me something true,
daughter-in-law before we part,
tell me something true before I die

And time was when I tried.
You married my son, and so
strange as you are, you are my daughter
Tell me....
I’ve been trying to tell you, mother-in-law
that I think I’m breaking in two
and half of me doesn’t even want to love
I can polish this table to satin because I don’t care
I am trying to tell you, I envy
the people in mental hospitals their freedom
and I can’t live on placebos
or Valium, like you

A cut lemon scours the smell of fish away
You’ll feel better when the children are in school
I would try to tell you, mother-in-law
but my anger takes fire from yours and in the oven
the meal bursts into flames
Daughter-in-law, before we part
tell me something true
I polished the table, mother-in-law
and scrubbed the knives with half a lemon
the way you showed me to do
I wish I could tell you--
Tell me!
They think I’m weak and hold
things back from me. I agreed to this years ago.
Daughter-in-law, strange as you are,
tell me something true

tell me something
Your son is dead
ten years, I am a lesbian,
my children are themselves.
Mother-in-law, before we part
shall we try again? Strange as I am,
strange as you are? What do mothers
ask their own daughters, everywhere in the world?
Is there a question?
Ask me something.

Quotations
Abraham Lincoln
1809-1865 American

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
—Abraham Lincoln

Quarrel not at all. No man resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for personal contention.
—Abraham Lincoln, correspondence

Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.
—Abraham Lincoln

When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That is my religion.
—Abraham Lincoln (attributed)

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
—Abraham Lincoln

The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just.
—Abraham Lincoln